I would never claim to be the best Christian. I’ve made plenty of mistakes and I’ve made the wrong decisions more times than I would like to admit. Depression is a very real thing and for some, a very scary thing. For me I had myself convinced that no one wanted me around. That life would just be better without me. Then when I would feel completely numb I would cut myself. I would battle with thoughts of suicide all while I would argue I couldn’t actually go through with it because I didn’t want to cause anyone else pain because of me. My head was extremely messed up to be honest; if you’re wondering yes, I was going to church and yes I was a Christian then as well. Just because you’re a Christian doesnt mean you will not deal with depression. The devil will do any thing to keep you bound up in a dark place believing there is no hope. I knew God loved me. I knew God’s will wasn’t for me to feel those feelings. I just didn’t know how to fight those feelings yet. I think in that moment in life I knew all of the things I was taught in church but I was angry at God. Instead of turning to the One who could fix it all, I found myself running and I was running hard.

I took a trip to New Orleans, Louisiana with one of my lifelong friends, Mallorie. We were going on an adventure and I told myself I was on a spiritual journey. I had tarot cards read while I was there, bought a candle with charms in it from a vampire shop, and went to a few voodoo shops. Searching for answers that I knew deep down only God could give. When we got home from that trip I found myself in a book store buying a book to learn witchcraft and would often go to a local shop in my area dedicated to witchcraft and the occult. I never fully dedicated myself to learning from the book I bought because at the end of the day it didn’t feel right. I couldn’t find what it was I was looking for. I continued to battle depression, I was still so mad at God.

It wasn’t until 2013 when I met my now husband, Bart that I got back into church. It felt like home coming back into a church. It felt like seeing someone you love after going years without hearing from them. Eventually we found our home at Grace Church Bessemer. I feel like once we found our church was when my real journey with God began. From the first time i stepped foot in the doors I knew there was something different and special about this church. Pastor Mickey has such a real and authentic way of preaching the word. He was the first pastor I’ve ever had willing to be transparent and let you know he had flaws too. I had a hunger to know more about God and to let Him really change my life. I started learning what I needed to change and do to live a happier full life. So many times we don’t even realize that there are things we personally need to do to improve ourselves and lives.

I had to learn to let go of things I can’t control. I had to learn not everyone is going to like me and that’s okay. I had to learn to be okay with being different. To stop worrying about what everyone thinks and only what God thinks. It hasn’t been easy. I am a fixer. I want everything to be okay, and everyone to be happy but in reality its not always like that. I can’t fix anything for anyone, I can offer advice and love on someone and pray for them. Its God that can heal, and fix and deliver you from the battles you face. We have to want that freedom. We have to be ready to get rid of anything preventing us from true freedom or it will never truly come.

It was never God’s will for us to be in this sinful world facing the daily battles we do. God never wanted us to have anxiety, or depression. God never wanted us to feel alone and lost in the world. He set up this world with the intention to have fellowship with us in a perfect place with Him. Eve made a choice in the Garden of Eden. That choice started the cycle of what we all face today. Spending our time spinning wheels and trying to find answers on our own when God is reaching out just waiting for us to come home. We all have a choice. We can keep trying the same things thinking it will work and bring happiness or we can try it God’s way. Will it be hard? Absolutely! However nothing great ever comes easy. So… What choice will you make?