Before you read this know it is a long read and for some it may be hard. For anyone who has lost a child please know it was never God’s intention for you to go through that pain. God only wants to give you life and life more abundantly. Don’t give up. Don’t let the devil keep you bound in anger, depression, bitterness. God can and will always give back what was stolen. Don’t lose hope, keep your faith.

June 16, 2021 was a normal day. I got home that evening and like most evenings being pregnant I was ready to just fall asleep. It had become routine that while Bart played his video games I would end up falling asleep on our big chair. That night I woke up later and realized it was past time for us to head to bed. I went to the bathroom and felt an odd feeling but didn’t think anything of it, until I felt something else. When I reached down nothing could have prepared me. In my hand I was now holding my child. I screamed for Bart. I was frozen and I couldn’t process what was happening. Bart came running and I will never forget the look on his face when he saw my hand and when he fell to the floor. It felt like time had stopped. After a moment I looked to my hands and in that moment our little baby took a breath and I screamed “Bart the baby is still breathing!” He immediately jumped up and we grabbed whatever we could and took off out of the house to the nearest hospital. We flew through our hometown all while Bart kept reassuring me telling me just hold on while I screamed prayers begging God to do what only He could and work a miracle. We ran into the hospital begging for help. Nurses took us back and carefully took our baby while they began getting me checked out. Everything began hitting me at once. The reality of what was happening started setting in. My 14 week baby was no longer safe inside my stomach. What happened? My doctor said everything was perfect. Did I do something wrong?

The nurses left the room for a moment and while Bart and I sat on the bed together the look in my husband’s eyes broke me. I could feel his heart was shattered. I started feeling defeated that I failed at giving Bart what he had always dreamed of. I wanted to ask God why, and then I started feeling the small sparks of anger. You see in my life before I truly had a relationship with God I went through losing my Uncle Jerry. I immediately got so angry with God during that time and sadly it wouldn’t be the first time it happened before I truly knew the Lord. I had a moment of realization when my spirit went off like an alarm. I couldn’t let the devil lure me into getting angry at God again. I refused. God never intended me to go through this pain but He sure could use it to help someone else. In that moment Bart and I looked at eachother and made a pinky promise. We would not allow the devil to make us angry at God. We would make sure God got every bit of glory from what we were going through and the devil would have none of it.

Not long after our promise about three nurses came in with a tiny purple box. They each told us how sorry they were and gave us some information we would have to think about. They asked us if we wanted to hold the baby and my only thought was I already got to hold our baby and I wanted Bart to be able to hold his child. We both broke. The tears were uncontrollable. Bart looked at me and said I want to know what our baby is and very carefully he checked and with big tears said “that’s my boy, thats Rowan.” What was left of my heart in that moment shattered. I knew deep in his heart my husband didn’t care, boy or girl he just wanted a healthy baby, but I knew he wanted a little boy first so badly. I felt helpless. I’m a fixer and my immediate reaction is always to want to fix someone hurting, and in this moment there was nothing I could do. As the nurses left they each hugged me and let us both know they were praying for us and that this wasn’t our fault.

As the night went on I began bleeding more and more. I passed out multiple times because my heart rate and blood pressure were all over the place. Bart kept so calm and kept reassuring me that it wasn’t my fault and that he loved me. He never left my side. Once the doctor came In our first choice was to try to go without surgery and take some medicine that would help the process I was going through. It wasn’t long before the doctor came back and told us he just wasn’t comfortable with how much I was bleeding and for my safety we needed to go through with the DNC. I had not clue how bad of shape I was actually in.

The nurses began rushing to get me ready to go into surgery. Bart kept telling me he loved me. He was so strong and so calm. We headed up to the floor to get prepped. They wheeled me into a room and everyone was rushing around me. Rushing to get me blood, checking blood pressure, it was all so chaotic. As they were about to wheel me to the operating room my mom and step dad got there. They made it in just enough time for my mom to pray over me and declare Psalm 91 protection over me. I have never seen that woman so calm. As a kid if I had surgery she always cried and I would tell her it was ok. In this moment my mom walked in with the peace and confidence of the Lord that I would be okay. I told them all I loved them and kissed them before the nurses took me.

Once we got to the operating area I had to wait for the doctor to get there. Apparently they had to call specific ob-gyn to do my DNC and she as well as other nurses were rushing to get to the hospital for me. While I waited I spoke to some of the team that would be with me and they each offered kind words. I shared with them that I knew God was going to do something special with what has happened and that at least I got to hold my baby boy. My surgery went well and once I was out of recovery my mom, Charlie, and Bart were all waiting for me. I was blessed with the most amazing nurse. Mandy was the biggest Godsend. She went above and beyond for me and we got to know her while we were there. We got to share things with her that God had been teaching us and was teaching us now.

The the next day the doctors came in and let us know where we went from there. Later that day I decided to get out of the bed and try sitting in a chair. Bart needed to run out to our car and while he did I knew I needed to take a minute. I turned on my praise and worship and got lost in the music. I was crying letting out all I was feeling but thanking God because I learned that day because of the bleeding I was so close to not being here anymore. I sang my heart out to God’s Gonna Get my Praise by People and Songs and then my favorite Victory/This Is How I Fight My Battles. At my favorite part I felt a hand on my shoulder. Mandy was there by my side crying and worshipping with me. I couldn’t explain the feeling if I tried. Just having her there not saying a word was such an encouraging feeling. When the song ended she and I talked and I just couldn’t help thinking thank you God for this amazing nurse. I knew He gave us her for such a special reason.

Bart came back not long after she left and the told me he was going to put on some music for us. We both closed our eyes and cried and started worshipping together. When Miracles by Maverick City came on my amazing husband got up and came and put his hands on me and prayed over me. I could feel the whole atmosphere in the room change. There will never be a doubt in my mind that he and I are strong, but we are stronger together. God renewed our strength and let us know it was ok that we felt peace. That we didn’t need to feel guilty. Bart looked at me and said “You know, when Job lost everything he got back double.” I just grinned because I knew my husband was saying God just may give us our twins when we get pregnant again. We had so many amazing encounters with different people at the hospital. I believe with all my heart God was already beginning to use our story.

We spoke to Pastor Ericka on the phone that day, she is one of the most amazing women I’ve been blessed to have in my life. She spoke life into us, and prayed over us during that phone call. Bart and I both realized we had been beginning to lose hope of ever having children and God gave us Rowan to prove we were meant to be parents. Rowan Steven gave us hope again. He will forever be our hope baby. So many people were there for us in the hardest moment of our lives. From our parents, to our amazing Pastor Mickey and his wife Wendy, to our best friends. God surrounded us and let us know we weren’t alone and we had the most amazing support system standing with us.

God made us parents, and we will have more children in His timing. He never left our side through. We have held onto to our hope that Rowan’s siblings will come soon. We have to continue to have faith and keep pushing. I will never forget what we went through nor will I ever forget the blessings and peace that came with it. God isn’t finished with us yet. The devil wanted for me to die that night in the hospital. The devil wanted to wrap us up in bitterness and anger. The devil forgot one thing though. Greater is HE that is in me, than he that is in the world; and I’m not done yet.